I’d like to start off by saying that I’m not a big fan of Valentine’s day. Not because I’m a cynic or because I’m single, or I hate men, love, romance and all that stuff, but because it is so standardized, so commercialized, that the idea of going to a restaurant with an over priced fixed V-day menu and getting candy and flowers just doesn’t work with me…ok maybe the chocolate candy part does work ;).
After talking to a lot of people, both single and not so single, both in love and not so in love with Valentine’s day, here’s what I got:
1. Men buy the candy, flowers, dinner and whatever else because they’re hoping for sex at the end of the night
2. Women love getting all that stuff because that’s what makes them feel special and not so slutty at the end of the night when they have sex
Now there’s nothing wrong with that, but come on, people, don’t call it love or intimacy, just call it what it is – sex day.
Another thing that I found during my little research is that very few people know or acknowledge the difference between sex and intimacy. No, sex doesn’t mean intimacy and to be honest I can remember quite a few very intimate and very close moments in my life where sex played no part. Now, I’m not saying they can’t be connected, I’m just saying that having sex with someone does not imply having a close intimate connection with that person. And physical closeness and emotional closeness are so different, they can’t even be used in the same sentence.
Men are actually pretty good at understanding that sex and intimacy are different, maybe because most of them will do everything they can to avoid intimacy, attachment…because they’re MEN, not boys, therefore they don’t really allow themselves to be vulnerable. And just as a side note here: there is something incredibly sexy about a man who chooses to be vulnerable in front of a woman – and I’m talking about the true vulnerability, when everything is open and exposed, not the guarded one that has the sole purpose to attract more attention.
Women, on they other hand are psychologically built to get attached. It’s not necessarily our fault, it’s more like a genetic pattern that tells our brain, this is your mate, hold on to him…even if he’s not quite a perfect mate. Does this mean women are doomed to fall in love with every guy they ever sleep with? No way. It just means that most of them do…and it’s not quite love, it’s attachment, but a lot of us can and will see the reality for what it is and not overestimate the mate.
Yes, in the end, we are all animals in search of food (dinner & candy), something that makes us feel good (flowers), something that brings a surge of joy in our bodies (sex) and then there’s that person that we’re having an intimate relationship with (the closeness, the person that gets us, that understands vulnerability and is willing to be vulnerable without mocking it or running away).
So look around in the world, it’s not about Valentine’s day, “this is a holiday invented by greeting card companies to make people feel like crap” (Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind), it’s about finding what you really want and not falling for all the commercial stuff that society puts in our heads.
And, dear men, we don’t all want candy, flowers and the standard dinner for Valentine’s day.
As for me, my idea of a perfect day today is pizza, intimacy (read above if you have any doubts about what that means) and that unconditional love that only comes from true vulnerability.